I called my mom at about 1 this afternoon to talk some business for this upcoming weekend. We had a very pleasant conversation and I got back to work. She called me about 20 minutes later and I could hear the tears in her voice. Her sister Gina had just called to say that their mother - my grandmother - had just died.

Grandma has been in a hospice facility for about 2 weeks so I knew it was just a matter of time but it still hit me hard. Somehow it came as a great surprise. She was diagnosed with aggressive lymphoma about 2 years ago and after a few months of treatment went into remission. It came back about 6 months ago and she has been on a downward trajectory since. At about noon today she vomited a lot of blood and then became unresponsive.

What surprises me is that I don’t feel sad or scared – just empty. I sort of feel bad that I haven’t taken more time to keep in touch with her. I called her about 6 weeks ago and we had a nice talk. I sort of wonder if I should have done more but between all my aunts, uncles, and cousins I feel like she had all the love she needed. I doubt I could have added anything substantive other than one more person she felt obliged to talk to.

I am also happy that her suffering is over. Chemotherapy and radiation took a lot out of her and she has been tired for a lot of the last 6 months. I am grateful to have known her and to have many memories. My dad’s parents died when I was about 5 so I never really got to know them.

I am also grateful to have my program because otherwise I would feel the pressing need to do something. I would probably start to imagine the invisible expectations that everyone had of the perfect grandson which is my key to insanity.

I would also have experienced the burning resentment that my mom’s emotions used to arouse. It would have been difficult for me to see past the old feelings that my mom’s tears bring up. I would have been more focused on my repressed emotions than on grandma.

My grandmother lived a long life and was surrounded by those who love her. She knew that I loved her and that gives me peace.