About Me

I am unsure where or how to start the story of my ADHD because it only occurred to me as a possibility when I was 23 (about 18 months ago). There is so much I am still learning about it even though my dad and sister were diagnosed almost 10 years ago. It never really interfered with my grades – until college – for a few reasons:

1. I have a good deal of natural intelligence. I don’t say this to boast only to try and explain that building conceptual models in my mind for how the world works has always been easy for me. In classes that meet 5 days a week this is enough time to incorporate the model and learn a few facts well enough to pull a B.
2. Listening to other people talk – especially lecture – is very soothing for me. I’m not always paying attention but I am able to sit still because I feel calm.
3. At a very young age I came to believe that any love I received and any self-worth I could attain would come by demonstrating my perfection. Achievement equaled acceptance.
4. Since I can remember I have loved to daydream.

I had a few years – third grade, fifth grade, sophomore year of high school, and sophomore year of college – when the grades didn’t come. But on the whole I was a B+/A- student.
I think my ADHD interfered more with my view of day-to-day life than with anything in textbooks. As far back as I can remember I couldn’t think about the end of the day without becoming depressed because I knew that it would never arrive. Getting through school or work was never a realistic possibility because it seemed too far away to even consider. I would go through periods of believing that I was doomed to live a moment-to-moment existence of boredom for the rest of my life. It sounds gloomy but I couldn’t recognize it because I had nothing to compare it to. It astounded me that others could look forward to the end of the day with excitement and not notice the insurmountable hours that lay in between. I would look at them and wonder if they were in denial?

All the external indicators of success, like grades, were above average but I felt like they were a façade. I didn’t talk, think, or act like the other “smart” kids in my classes. I always felt different. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My world view slowly began to materialize in high school as persistent low-grade depression that became the background noise to life. It was almost impossible to notice at first because it felt like it had always been there. The only clue I had was that other people appeared to take joy in the most trivial tasks – talking to friends, working out, going on a trip, or reading a book. Anything I did in my free time was an escape. I smoked cigarettes, I ate compulsively, I sat in front of the TV for hours, and I had sex whenever possible. I also developed the ability to daydream in exquisite detail. I dreamed about being a star athlete or a Nobel prize winning scientist. Why live in reality when I could create my own world?

I had one recurring daydream about owning a remote control that could pause time. I could pause a test to open my textbook so that I would never have to study. I could pause at recess to look under the skirts of the girls in my class. I even dreamed of making a device that could pause and unpause time 50 times a second while I was running so that it would look like I was moving at incredible speed.

As my eating and smoking got more out of hand I began having recurring daydreams about having a computer that would allow me to custom design my body. It would allow me to precisely design my muscle tone, body fat, teeth, eyes, speed, sleep patterns, and disease states. I would never be fat or tired and all the cigarettes in the world would never slow me down or give me cancer.

But my fantasies were only that and I continued my moment-to-moment struggle against frustration. I began to believe that I did not deserve happiness because all I ever wanted to do was complain. I saw myself as a cry-baby. The few experiences of true contentment that I remember from growing up were during summer vacations. After about a month of doing nothing but eat, sleep, and watch TV I would start to forget about the misery and stress of the school year. I would regain interest in reading and learning at my own pace. My passion for science, math, and computers would return and I would dedicate myself anew to my education – each year vowing to remain motivated and not get sucked into my old habits of frustration, boredom, pessimism, and self-pity.

Growing up in a family with a lot of abuse had also led me to the conclusion that nothing was more important than the approval of others. Sometime before I went to high school I concluded that doing well in school was the only way I could get approval. I also noticed that people respected academic accomplishments more when the person played sports. My ADHD was going to make it very hard to do well in school, and sports just took up more energy. I was fighting a constant uphill battle because I thought I was supposed to. My self-esteem was as low as it could go because others were doing the same stuff as me with little or no effort.

I overextended myself at every opportunity. I abandoned the hope that I could motivate myself and relied on the fear of approaching deadlines. The fear of failing out of school made me study. The fear of looking like a fool on the football field made me exercise. I could never focus on anything but my exhaustion and depression. I thought the only solution was to keep moving.
I set myself up for failure because I have always thought that I could feel good if others approved of me. My criteria for approval involved academic success which my undiagnosed ADHD made extremely difficult. I spent years beating myself up for being lazy.

Recently I am learning that my criteria of approval and success are all self-imposed and artificial. My self-esteem right now is questionable but that is higher than it has been in a long time. I am taking time to value myself and beginning to realize that it has taken a lot of energy and determination to fight my ADHD for so long. I never gave up and have even accomplished some things with my life. I can and should be very proud of that.

The learning environment in college is what finally broke my denial. I could not study and there was far too much material to learn by going to class. My trips to the library to study became marathons of frustration and self-loathing. Other people in my program would talk about getting a big cup of coffee and studying for two, three, or four hours for finals. I would sit down with a pot of coffee but would never drink it because after 10 minutes would want to scratch my eyes out and tear my hair in clumps.

I tried so hard freshman year that I nearly made myself sick. I finished with about a 2.8 GPA and I was so embarrassed. Never in my life had I put an honest effort into a task and come up short of my own expectations. I had made sacrifices like going to the library on Saturday nights and letting my weight get out of control. Sophomore year I wanted to put the same effort into my classes but just couldn’t muster the energy. I all but stopped doing homework and started to party on the weekends with my roommates. I almost never went out more than one night a week but I always felt guilty. I never missed a class but I always felt like I should be doing more. I felt guilty when I woke up, when I went to class, when I worked out, when I watched TV, and when I went to bed. Quitting never crossed my mind because I knew it wasn’t my major – it was me.

I limped across the finish line of sophomore year after having failed electric circuits class and accumulated a 2.09 GPA – pathetic. I was so depressed all summer that I couldn’t sleep at night and couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.

Junior year miraculously found me with a moderate amount of motivation that allowed me to re-take and ace my failed class. My motivation was that I was sick of feeling like a fat idiot. I pulled my grades back up to their previous C+/B- level and lost a bunch of weight. I was always hungry and became obsessive about running. I lived every day feeling like a fraud. I constantly felt like I was on the edge of getting fat and failing out. Throughout Junior and Senior years it is difficult for me to remember one thing that I did for myself. What did I do for fun? Nothing, because doing anything would involve letting my guard down. It seems so logical to me now that my world began to crumble into a giant smoldering panic attack halfway through senior year. A system can only withstand that amount of stress for so long before something gives.
After the anxiety started the ADHD took a back seat. The revulsion I felt toward studying was barely audible in comparison to the daily feelings of impending death.

I began to deal with it again when my anxiety subsided in the winter of 2005-06. The thought of getting an office job – especially the one at a big government agency I had worked at in college – scared me because I knew how bored I would be. I remembered vividly how miserable I had been as an intern there during college. My options became more and more limited and finally I applied for the job.

It was hell at first. I did more online Sudoku and Crossword puzzles than I care to admit. Over time I developed certain strategies and coping techniques that too the edge off and allowed me to get some work done. It’s incredible how much constant boredom and frustration can wear a person down emotionally.

My depression kept popping up every few months and my shrink would increase my medication. On the whole my life was improving because I was learning to take care of myself but it felt like I was taking 2 steps forward and 1.5 backward.

Finally, last year – after many months of discussion – my shrink started me on Vyvanse for ADHD. Those first few months were miraculous. It was as though the clouds had parted and I saw my life from a whole new perspective. I knew that the euphoria wouldn’t last but I also knew that I had discovered a huge part of myself. At first I was so productive at work that I never wanted to leave. After years of doing just the work I knew others expected of me I could finally do a project completely and take pride in what I was producing.

Because I no longer used all my energy to fight the ADHD I could start to see patterns and problems with other areas of my life. It became clear to me that I had endured a lot of abuse from my family when I was a kid. I had the desire and energy to recover so I started attending Al-Anon meetings. They have started to teach me the tools I need to take care of myself and build a little self-esteem.

Although it may sound cliche, my life is far from perfect – but I am so much happier. The honeymoon I had been on with my medication came to an end a few months ago and I had to accept that it is not a silver bullet cure for my ADHD – it’s an important tool that I can use to manage my symptoms. I still go a little crazy in the afternoon when it wears off, but I have learned to take some time for myself to deal with it.

I still have trouble with intimate relationships because it’s difficult to give a woman the attention she expects. I still lose things all the time. I still forget almost everything if I don’t write it down. I still get distracted at work and am not always as productive as I would like. But now I can appreciate (sometimes) that all these qualities belong to me and make me who I am. I am working – feverishly of course – on accepting my limitations enough to gain some peace and serenity.

Until then it feels good to let myself just go crazy sometimes!!!