My dinner with Kevin

I had dinner with my sponsor last night because I was feeling very down at the end of the day. We talked about the usual topics of abandonment, co-dependency, the steps of my recovery, and some issues I have been dealing with recently. Toward the end of the meal I was beginning to feel a deep emptiness that I was having trouble describing or understanding.

Recently, I feel directionless and disoriented. I was describing how my mental committee often tells me that I need to keep accomplishing things with my life. I have listened to them a lot and have lived my life believing that accomplishments and outside admiration are the keys to happiness. These beliefs have given my life direction from school to sports to my social life to my relationships.

As I get more in touch with myself I am losing my drive to impress people. Any energy that goes into me diminishes my ability to monitor, anticipate, and accomplish the things that impress the outside world. I am afraid that people will stop admiring me.

As I continued to talk to Kevin I began to see for the first time how much every action in my life revolves around the expectations and desires of other people. I can’t control the expectations of others. I can’t always fulfill the expectations of others. Living my life according to others has made me miserable. In order to recover I will need to sever my attachment to expectations and learn to live for myself.

These realizations brought me to a very deep, dark bottom.

I don’t know, nor can I imagine what would give my life meaning or direction if I didn’t rely on winning the approval of others.

What other people think and feel is completely out of my control. If I try to rely on them I will continue to get jerked around for the rest of my life. The best I can do is to live my life based on what I think and feel. I’m not sure I understand yet what that means or how to do it. This will take a while.

“Fame or integrity: which is more important?
Money or happiness: which is more valuable?
Success of failure: which is more destructive?

If you look to others for fulfillment,
you will never truly be fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money,
you will never be happy with yourself.

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.”
-Tao Te Ching