What I Enjoy

A large part of my struggle in Al-Anon has been learning to live my own life. This involves pursuing my own goals and finding ways to enjoy my free time. My co-dependant coping mechanisms meant that my goals and motivations are based entirely on what other people think and what I believe they expect of me. When I initially stopped to try and figure out what is important to me and what could motivate my life in recovery I found myself looking into a giant empty void. I didn’t have the first clue about what I wanted, enjoyed, or could motivate me.

Last night I was talking to my pseudo-sponsor about this and realized that playing my guitar and learning about the world are two things that I have always done for myself and that still give me a lot of pleasure. It feels good to now know at least this tiny bit of what makes me happy. I often feel that my recovery is not a process of returning to sanity that has been lost, but rather of building a new and healthy person who can learn for the first time what sanity is. Finding these two things feel like a first step towards building a personality that isn’t simply a reaction to abuse, neglect, and alcoholism. It is a part of me that is neither running from nor trying to deal with my past. It is a part of me that is completely and totally in the present moment.

I am so grateful.