Suppressing Emotions

For years I have considered myself to be a person who is empathetic, understanding, and loving; especially concerning the abuse I endured at the hands of family members when I was young. I learned that forgiveness is a gift I give myself so that I can put the hurtful actions of others behind me and move beyond self-destructive feelings.

But there is a huge difference between forgiveness and suppression.

Forgiveness is about making a conscious decision to move on with life and not dwell on things that I cannot change. Emotional suppression is a survival instinct I learned in order to disconnect from a life-threatening situation. Suppression allowed me to live in my abusive house without seeing that the people I cared for most were endangering my life on a regular basis. With practice I was eventually able to avoid emotional reactions to all but the most dangerous or unexpected situations. But without emotional responses I became unable to interact with the world.

After this type of detachment the overwhelming fear and anger were replaced by chronic emptiness and depression.

It has been very difficult to try and learn what a genuine emotion feels like. It’s like trying to see the 3D image in those pictures that require you to relax your eyes and look through the image.

Yesterday I was overcome with an anger at my parents that I don’t ever remember feeling before. I was able to see them as adults whose actions were unequivocally wrong instead of co-victims that needed my sympathy. I was not prepared for this aspect of my recovery. But even though I felt drained at the end of the day, I felt none of the emptiness and depression that I have come to know so well. Today I feel light and energetic yet calm. What a wonderful and unexpected experience.