I want to do some writing today before my medication starts to wear off and I get edgy or irritated. Sometimes my writing can get dark or obsessive if I write too late in the day.
This ties into today’s reading in Courage to Change which is about feelings and how we have learned to deal with them. A very, very large part of my recovery is learning to feel my feelings and accept them for what they are. The first step of getting to an acceptance of my feelings is coming to a belief that I am worthy of having feelings. I have written in the past about growing up with ADHD and feeling like I constantly wanted to sleep, eat, watch TV, run outside, play on the computer, or any other number of things to the point that it interfered with going to school and especially doing homework. I had to try and convince myself that none of these feelings were appropriate because I NEEDED to do well in school. In short, I suppressed all of my natural desires.
I needed to do well in school because many times it was the only positive attention I got in my alcoholic home. I needed approval to compensate for the neglect. I sought – and still seek – approval rather than love or affection. I learned how to stuff my feelings.
So where am I today? First of all I am learning that feelings pass and it is okay, and even healthy, to let them go. I take myself so seriously that I believe every emotion is special and needs to be indulged, analyzed, or even documented. My feelings are mostly unconscious and - much of the time - are out of proportion with reality. It is okay to laugh at a feeling and then let it go. I am working on not becoming so attached to my feelings.
It is also possible for me to value my feelings without bending to their every command. What are some feelings that I act on the most?
- Worthlessness
- The compulsion to amount to “something”
- Loneliness
- Embarrassment
- That I owe people something with my life
- That I don’t deserve peace or happiness
I am worthy of having feelings.
It is okay to acknowledge my feelings.
It is okay to value my feelings.
It is okay to let a feeling pass – this does not amount to disrespect.
It is okay to talk about my feelings.
Listen to this man.
ReplyDeleteI can relate with you on so many levels. I hear and feel the things you say when you write them out on the page. Your feelings of needing to be validated are not unique, but your life experience with it is. Not to be weird- or whatever as we are guys - but sometimes I wish I was there with you man - just to hear what you are saying and be a friend. This is a great thing to acknowledge your feelings.. especially as men in a society that does not value openness from this section of the population (being a 'man' I mean). Keep on making the day yours and learn from every word you write. You are completely validated in sharing what makes you tick, and what may scare you a bit. See you on the next post buddy.