As I was going to a meeting last night I recognized that I am still afraid and uncomfortable with the possibility of being happy. I ask myself “If I could be completely happy but I had to give up X (some behavior or goal), would I do it?” I have never been able to answer yes but not because X is too difficult to let go of. I feel like my life would become meaningless if I suddenly became happy. I feel important when I am unhappy or in pain. I feel like a unique and special person. I am where I’m intended to be.
I feel like pain and discomfort give me a special insight into life and that without it I would become oblivious to the world – a quality I despise in others. Discomfort keeps me alert and keeps me asking questions. It keeps me at a comfortable distance from other people and reassures me that I will always have something to think about.
I want others to see me as being constantly involved with important activities. If something is painful then I assume it must be important.
I think that experiencing pain is the only way I have known to give myself attention. It is the only way I know how to focus on myself. I feel the least amount of guilt when I take some time out of my busy day to focus on my pain. I need that excuse.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
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I understand those feelings. However, I've learned that there are other ways to feel happy than being in pain and hurting.
ReplyDeleteI understand....having a pain that is hard for the average person to relate used to make me feel intriguing because it was uncommon. I know that the pain can feel like the safest place because it's the most familiar friend... something known and predictable and so less scary..... one tool I've used to cope is to look at stepping away/out of the pain and into the unpredictable and maybe less forgiving parts of life as a substitute 'high' and really try to experience the high of adrenaline....rather than turning to X. A new high....like skydiving...
ReplyDeletehope you come back!
ReplyDeleteblown away by your ability to be so completely honest about yourself to yourself this shows great stregth, i am sure you will grow tremendously by doing this, think alot it is to do with control and being happy means being comfortable enough to be able to let go in our surroundings, rather than constantly trying to analyze things!
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