My Limits

I am reading Bradshaw’s book “Healing the Shame that Binds You.” So much of it resonates with me and I see myself as an example of toxic shame leading to perfectionism. The perfectionism is an attempt to fit into my family by becoming their redeemer. My shame is part of my being and is unconnected to the world or anything external. It is not the guilt connected to doing something wrong or making a mistake. I am wrong and I am a mistake. I have constantly tried to validate myself by being a good student, a good athlete, and above all self-sufficient. I have tried to have relationships with attractive and sociable women in order to look well rounded.

For most of my life I have had chronically low energy. I want to stay up late into the night and then sleep until early afternoon. I feel crushing shame for both of these. I feel chronically unproductive and like I am dragging others down. Since I started dating I have been unable to get aroused by a woman until we have been dating for a few months. In all three situations I feel like I am not living up to my responsibilities. The world expects me to be energetic, productive, and virile. I just want to do what is right so that everyone will love me. I want everyone to admire me.

I have spent a lot of time feeling shame about my body. I am powerless over my energy level, motivation, and ability to perform. I am absolutely powerless. I would like to break this cycle of shame and will have to be kinder and more understanding to myself in order to do so. My normal response is to push through and white-knuckle it. This is a painful way to live and I am entirely ready to have god remove this destructive habit. I am ready to trust my body and that things will work out.

Higher Power, I have tried for years to overcome my normal physical limits by pushing harder. It makes all of life unpleasant and I have lived with a lot of exhaustion. Please help me to listen to my body and trust that everything will work out. Please help me remember to treat myself better.

Gratitude After Some Time Away

Today I am grateful for:

• Being safely back home
• My program
• My wonderful friends. The more time I spend working my program the more I appreciate how much each of my friends add to my life.
• My family
• Choices

"Know the male, yet keep to the female: receive the world in your arms. If you receive the world, the Tao will never leave you and you will be like a little child."