Dukka

As I was going to a meeting last night I recognized that I am still afraid and uncomfortable with the possibility of being happy. I ask myself “If I could be completely happy but I had to give up X (some behavior or goal), would I do it?” I have never been able to answer yes but not because X is too difficult to let go of. I feel like my life would become meaningless if I suddenly became happy. I feel important when I am unhappy or in pain. I feel like a unique and special person. I am where I’m intended to be.

I feel like pain and discomfort give me a special insight into life and that without it I would become oblivious to the world – a quality I despise in others. Discomfort keeps me alert and keeps me asking questions. It keeps me at a comfortable distance from other people and reassures me that I will always have something to think about.

I want others to see me as being constantly involved with important activities. If something is painful then I assume it must be important.

I think that experiencing pain is the only way I have known to give myself attention. It is the only way I know how to focus on myself. I feel the least amount of guilt when I take some time out of my busy day to focus on my pain. I need that excuse.

It was bound to happen

Well it was bound to happen – I don’t think I have written in about 3 or 4 weeks. I would like to blame it on being busy but I have just had less motivation to write, especially since my meds wear off in the early afternoon. My new doctor switched me to Concerta which doesn’t work as well but I get no crash when I am coming off it so I’m not sure what to do.

In general I am in a good place right now. Recovery and serenity feel more and more natural as I continue to spend time with my friends from the program. Whenever I get to a meeting the worries and stress of the rest of the day seem to disappear. I feel so at home and can completely forget any negative feelings I may have had earlier in the day. I look forward to the day that I can reproduce that experience outside of the Al-Anon setting. Someday I hope to be able to wake up and feel that first thing in the morning.

I have also been feeling the desire to be in a relationship. Sometimes it’s the purely physical desire for a woman’s body. Most of the time I would like someone to see and talk to at the end of the day – someone my age who I can spend my time with. My engineering mind starts to ask me what kind of girl I would like to have – as if it would go after her if I knew and if she were available. I am so afraid of rejection and so distrustful of my choice in women.

I also like relationships because I sleep so well next to a girl. Being around a woman helps me to focus on something other than myself which in turns enables me to relax. I find it soothing to hear someone else talk or breathe or roll over in bed. On the other hand I am doubtful that I would be able to find someone my age who I can relate to as well as I do to my friends in the program. I’m not sure if that should be a requirement but my Al-Anon relationships have been my only experience of true intimacy. It’s going to be difficult to recreate that feeling and I should probably take my time – easy does it.

I’m going to head home because I have a lot of laundry to do and Michelle is coming over to cook dinner. I am so grateful for everything in my life.