Asking for what I need

Last week Dr. K switched me to 10mg of Adderall twice a day instead of 70mg of Vyvanse once a day and I feel so much better! I get almost no irritability and discomfort when it wears off in the afternoon. I can also control when I take it in case I have a late afternoon meeting or for when I want to eat lunch. I had assumed that the drugs were basically identical but my reaction to them is completely different.

I messed up my appointment with Dr. K about 3 weeks ago and had to reschedule which left me with a gap in my medication for about 3 days. Mike gave me some of his Adderall and it worked so well I wanted to try it for myself. The only slight problem right now is that 10mg in the morning isn’t quite enough which I suspect might be my body trying to acclimate to the new medication.

It feels so great because I had given up on hoping that I would ever find a medication that didn’t give me such bad rebound irritability in the afternoon. There are some days now that I don’t even notice when it wears off.

Today life is good and I am grateful for the ability to ask for what I need.

How do I respond?

In 'Courage to Change' they talk about some people having a long-standing habit of responding to problems by feeling like a helpless victim. How do I respond emotionally to problems?

I feel the need to have the answer or find the answer right away.
I feel tired that I have one more thing to deal with.
I feel scared that I won’t be able to deal with it.
I try to ignore it.
It weighs on my chest and stomach.
I feel like it may obliterate the façade of perfection that I have spent so many years developing.
I am scared that it will expose me as the fraud that I am.


What are some different ways that I can choose to respond?

I can say the serenity prayer.
I can remind myself that no problem will change who I am as a person.
I can remind myself that I deserve love and care.
I can choose to delay responding for a few moments.
I can remind myself that I have a lot of resources available to me.
I can choose to look at and acknowledge the problem but not internalize it.

Today I am grateful for options.

Thought of the Day

Serenity and empowerment require giving up the presumption that I have the right to dictate how my life should unfold. -The Tao of Sobriety page 159

I have experienced the truth of this saying hundreds of times during the short time I have been working my program. And yet I can catch myself reflexively trying to control the world as often as I care to stop and look. My problem is not in understanding or recognizing the truth of the teaching of the program. Instead it is with trying to incorporate those truths into myself to the level that they motivate my actions and not just my thoughts.

My Limits

I am reading Bradshaw’s book “Healing the Shame that Binds You.” So much of it resonates with me and I see myself as an example of toxic shame leading to perfectionism. The perfectionism is an attempt to fit into my family by becoming their redeemer. My shame is part of my being and is unconnected to the world or anything external. It is not the guilt connected to doing something wrong or making a mistake. I am wrong and I am a mistake. I have constantly tried to validate myself by being a good student, a good athlete, and above all self-sufficient. I have tried to have relationships with attractive and sociable women in order to look well rounded.

For most of my life I have had chronically low energy. I want to stay up late into the night and then sleep until early afternoon. I feel crushing shame for both of these. I feel chronically unproductive and like I am dragging others down. Since I started dating I have been unable to get aroused by a woman until we have been dating for a few months. In all three situations I feel like I am not living up to my responsibilities. The world expects me to be energetic, productive, and virile. I just want to do what is right so that everyone will love me. I want everyone to admire me.

I have spent a lot of time feeling shame about my body. I am powerless over my energy level, motivation, and ability to perform. I am absolutely powerless. I would like to break this cycle of shame and will have to be kinder and more understanding to myself in order to do so. My normal response is to push through and white-knuckle it. This is a painful way to live and I am entirely ready to have god remove this destructive habit. I am ready to trust my body and that things will work out.

Higher Power, I have tried for years to overcome my normal physical limits by pushing harder. It makes all of life unpleasant and I have lived with a lot of exhaustion. Please help me to listen to my body and trust that everything will work out. Please help me remember to treat myself better.

Gratitude After Some Time Away

Today I am grateful for:

• Being safely back home
• My program
• My wonderful friends. The more time I spend working my program the more I appreciate how much each of my friends add to my life.
• My family
• Choices

"Know the male, yet keep to the female: receive the world in your arms. If you receive the world, the Tao will never leave you and you will be like a little child."

Dukka

As I was going to a meeting last night I recognized that I am still afraid and uncomfortable with the possibility of being happy. I ask myself “If I could be completely happy but I had to give up X (some behavior or goal), would I do it?” I have never been able to answer yes but not because X is too difficult to let go of. I feel like my life would become meaningless if I suddenly became happy. I feel important when I am unhappy or in pain. I feel like a unique and special person. I am where I’m intended to be.

I feel like pain and discomfort give me a special insight into life and that without it I would become oblivious to the world – a quality I despise in others. Discomfort keeps me alert and keeps me asking questions. It keeps me at a comfortable distance from other people and reassures me that I will always have something to think about.

I want others to see me as being constantly involved with important activities. If something is painful then I assume it must be important.

I think that experiencing pain is the only way I have known to give myself attention. It is the only way I know how to focus on myself. I feel the least amount of guilt when I take some time out of my busy day to focus on my pain. I need that excuse.

It was bound to happen

Well it was bound to happen – I don’t think I have written in about 3 or 4 weeks. I would like to blame it on being busy but I have just had less motivation to write, especially since my meds wear off in the early afternoon. My new doctor switched me to Concerta which doesn’t work as well but I get no crash when I am coming off it so I’m not sure what to do.

In general I am in a good place right now. Recovery and serenity feel more and more natural as I continue to spend time with my friends from the program. Whenever I get to a meeting the worries and stress of the rest of the day seem to disappear. I feel so at home and can completely forget any negative feelings I may have had earlier in the day. I look forward to the day that I can reproduce that experience outside of the Al-Anon setting. Someday I hope to be able to wake up and feel that first thing in the morning.

I have also been feeling the desire to be in a relationship. Sometimes it’s the purely physical desire for a woman’s body. Most of the time I would like someone to see and talk to at the end of the day – someone my age who I can spend my time with. My engineering mind starts to ask me what kind of girl I would like to have – as if it would go after her if I knew and if she were available. I am so afraid of rejection and so distrustful of my choice in women.

I also like relationships because I sleep so well next to a girl. Being around a woman helps me to focus on something other than myself which in turns enables me to relax. I find it soothing to hear someone else talk or breathe or roll over in bed. On the other hand I am doubtful that I would be able to find someone my age who I can relate to as well as I do to my friends in the program. I’m not sure if that should be a requirement but my Al-Anon relationships have been my only experience of true intimacy. It’s going to be difficult to recreate that feeling and I should probably take my time – easy does it.

I’m going to head home because I have a lot of laundry to do and Michelle is coming over to cook dinner. I am so grateful for everything in my life.